


My Dear John

by merve



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining Sherlock, Post-Reichenbach, slightly fluff because sherlock is an emotional baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:42:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4242978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merve/pseuds/merve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's letter to John that he never had the courage to give. Probably burnt in a fireplace with Sherlock's feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Dear John

_My Dear John,_

_This is the 365th day. The 365 days wasted without you and your smile when you said ‘briliant’, in the name of saving your life. A whole year I kept pretending not to miss you. Even I did this to keep you safe, I couldn’t keep myself. Even if I die, actually die, no faking this time, it won’t matter to you. You’ve already killed me in your head, I made you kill and bury me in your memories._

_I felt your terrified breaths brushing against my heart and soul, shaking fingers on my wrist, on my pulse. The sound of your voice is painting on my memories but at that moment, it wasn’t you, it couldn’t be you, it was a man with a broken heart and, John, I almost heard the sound of its breaking._

_This is good, this is better and that’s the way it should be. I may die, John, I am a ridiculous man. But you, John, my John, if you die because of me and, hell, that danger addiction you have, I can’t handle this._

_I just can’t._

_Do you remember that time when Americans hold a gun toward your head in The Woman’s house? Do you remember Moriarty’s little game with bombs on you? It was unbearable to see you liked that, John. My fears my hopes and dreams are you and I thought I was dead, just because you were in danger. I died, John. Twice._

_You made me come back to life when I assured that you’re safe and with me in our little flat. I wanted to hug you, smell your golden hair, bury myself in tears, just because you were alive and just… there. You made me come back to life, John. Twice._

_There is that time when you actually did save me, not only emotional but also physically. The old cab driver, remember? I loved the look on your face when you shot him without thinking. Our eyes met with pure admiration and that was the time for me to fall. I am an idiot, John, so stupid that it took ages to understand what was happening to me._

_I love you._

_I always did._

_I love you so much that it’s chilling me to bone, something in my chest aches. It’s the best, the worst experience I have ever had and, John, I’m living this without you. I want to know if this is a normal thing to happen because I don’t think it’s healthy when you’re not with me or feeling the same. I don’t know what to do and I hate not knowing. John, I am scared._

_I know, whatever I’ve build I’ve laid to waste but is it too late, John? Because there was truth in my lies and faith in my doubt. I cried, because that was the time I knew I wasn’t going to see your face for a long time, and it was the most sincere thing I have ever done._

_I promised you the skies and made you watch me fall from it. I just had to. Now, there is just one thing you should know._

_I am sorry, John._

_I did it wrong._

**Author's Note:**

> sorry not sorry


End file.
